This week I found the best video I have seen in a long time. It is a beautiful illustration of the power of empathy to change the world, one relationship at a time. The movie is called validation and is a bit of a play on words - the setting points to free parking validation but the main character validates people using empathy and compliments to help them smile. I enjoyed it very much, it is very uplifting for anyone that likes to be encouraged (I don’t know anyone who doesn’t!).

I was inspired by the movie and attracted two different experiences that same day which emphasized the miraculous emotional healing that empathy can provide in relationships.

My wife Candice had been outside in the heat (yes heat, this is Phoenix in Nov) with one of our kids at a field trip with 47 1st-3rd graders that day (during her moon cycle), so she was a bit out of sorts. All the kids seemed to be asking her for things at once while she was getting dinner ready and she was trying to tell me about her frustrating day.

I really didn’t want to hear about it, but I made a conscious decision to show empathy by repeating what she had said in my own words - “You’ve been through a lot today and you just want a break, with some peace and quiet.”

Candice instantly lit up and gave me a big hug, then she didn’t say anything more about it - I was amazed!

Later while eating dinner Nickalus (who is 2) came to me crying:

“Bupaheay!
Bubahed!!
Bupaheyad!!!”

Finally I got the idea - “Oh, did you bump your head?”
“Yeaaah…” (as he nodded emphatically).
“That’s a bummer.” I replied, at which point he promptly calmed down and walked away.

It was as if I waved a magic wand and mended broken hearts with my words! Incredible!

I found an interesting book yesterday which uses empathy as part of the initial steps in the advice given to help people get their ex back. If you watch the first video on the page describing the Magic of Making Up, you’ll see how empathy is used in that situation - though it goes a bit further in agreeing with the other side of an argument, but the essence of showing an understanding of their position is really empathy at work - like magic.

Mental blocks can come in many forms, but they all come down to the thoughts we think.  Writers get “writer’s block”, actors get “stage fright”, and gymnasts (as well as other athletes) can develop an irrational fear about one specific trick or movement - like doing back handsprings on floor or beam, or doing release moves on the high bar or uneven bars.  Depending on the skill, some may argue that the fear is very rational(!), but it is still a mental game whether the fears are rational or not.

I often get asked about how to overcome mental blocks by gymnasts or their concerned parents over at allexperts, so I thought I would write a thorough post about the subject here that I can refer to.

Fear is a very powerful emotion that takes a little while to overcome.  On the emotional scale where feeling empowered is at the top (love, joy, and appreciation are all empowering), fear is at the bottom.  The following list of emotions is taken from page 114 of the book Ask and It Is Given (see amazon link below):

There are over 20 powerful processes detailed in that book which can help you move up the scale of emotions, and I’ve tried most of them successfully.  It is a wonderful reference for practical mind games you can play to help you feel better about any subject.

I remember going hiking with my ASU gymnastics teammates about 10 years ago in Oak Creek Canyon.  There was a waterfall at one point of the hike and we stopped to take a look.  Some of the guys decided it would be fun to jump off the ledge right next to the waterfall (about 30 feet up) into the pool down below.

I looked over the edge and was gripped with fear, so I sat back on a rock several feet away while others jumped off and climbed back up a few times.  I gave no indication that I was going to jump, so eventually people stopped egging me on.  I sat very still and calmed my breath, focusing my attention on the ground beneath my feet.  After awhile I had calmed down and was able to focus on the fact that the others were jumping and safely landing in the water below, and I worked my way up to feeling hopeful that I could do it too.

So without any warning, when there was no one getting ready to jump or getting out of the water I stood up and quietly walked off the ledge.  My teammates were freaking out when I re-emerged because they didn’t expect me to jump and I had barely missed the rocks on the way down (because I didn’t jump I just walked off), but I didn’t care because I had done it and I was done.

I remember having several other mental blocks with specific gymnastics skills (like every release move I ever tried on high bar!), which are actions to take over and over (not just once with the cliff jumping example above).  The most success I had overcoming these mental blocks happened over periods of time when I could “play” with different aspects of the skills (either in my mind or on the equipment) but not really focus on them or bring attention to the fact that I was playing with them.  Just like in the example above, I had to remove myself from the situation and work my way up the emotional scale on my own (without the pressure or attention of anyone else) before I could approach it from a different perspective.  Then once I felt better about it I would try it on my own (or ask for a spot or a belt if I was ready for that), but without much fanfare.

Regarding specific gymnastics skills (like backwards tumbling, cartwheels, kips, jumping from the low bar to the high bar, release moves, etc.), I believe that when a mental block is developed a break is needed from whatever skill it is to focus on others that are easier and very comfortable.  Recently I’ve been skateboarding for fun at a skate park near my house, and it helps me to do something like that which is totally different from my work or family life in order to gain a fresh perspective on whatever I’m stuck on, whether it’s a programming issue or a parenting one.

The length of the break really depends on how long it takes to feel better.  In the example above I was able to feel better about jumping off a cliff in a matter of minutes, but when fearful thoughts are practiced over time about a given subject it may take some time to believe different thoughts that are more hopeful and empowering.

It can help to talk about the subject if the people you talk with can help you reach for thoughts that feel better, but it is not necessary and will hinder progress if the person you talk with is frustrated about the situation.  When I was training in gymnastics I learned how to block out my coach or teammates at times when I was ready to try something again after taking a break, because they were usually still frustrated about my previous attempts.

Since I’ve decided to compete again, I’ve attracted all sorts of ideas in line with that decision. I have thought about how I’m going to go about getting back “in shape”, what I should eat, how much and how often to exercise, etc. I also thought about the last competition I participated in, the 2001 Collegiate National Championships. After the 2000 Nationals I thought I was done, since I got married a few weeks later and we moved to Oregon for a summer internship I procured with Intel. I lost about 10% of my weight that summer since I stopped working out (muscle weighs more than fat), and after we got back to school at Arizona State in the fall I had no plans to get back in the gym.

But for some reason, Candice happened to hear about the Body for Life program and she was inspired by it (see the book on the left, that’s the one we got). She wanted me to do it with her so I agreed and read the book. In the beginning after taking stock of where you are, you decide where you want to be in 12 weeks, in terms of health, fitness, etc. We started this in October of 2000, after I had not worked out for more than a few minutes at a time for six months. I remember thinking about the program for a few days before I came up with a goal that was exciting to me. I decided I wanted to be “in shape” enough to compete again during the spring season. I wanted to be able to make the team in January, 12 weeks after starting Body for Life. What this means is I had to be able to perform well enough on at least one event to be able to score within the top six members of the team, since only six people compete on each event per team.

I did not discuss this goal with the coach, I hadn’t been in the gym for six months and didn’t even know how many people were on the team that year since I hadn’t met the freshmen. But I was excited about my goal and had fun imagining the surprised looks I would get when I first got back into the gym.

Looking back on it now with an understanding of the Law of Attraction, it makes sense how everything sort of fell into place to manifest the exciting goal I set for myself. I tried out for the team on parallel bars, pommel horse, and the still rings (my favorite events). I just wanted to compete in the home meet that year, but the coach told me I couldn’t do that unless I would commit to go with them to Nationals (I can’t remember where that was, maybe California). So I did, and I remember working on my masters thesis in the hotel the day before the final individual competition of the 2001 collegiate championships.

I learned that you don’t need to workout 20 hours a week (like I had done in high school and college before getting married) to be in great shape. The exercise methods taught in the Body for Life book are very efficient at building strength and endurance, and the eating plan is very supportive of that as well.

So considering all of this, here is my training plan:

• First and foremost, I will do exercises that are fun and feel good when I do them
• I will continue to practice on the mushroom at least once a week, doing more circles in a row each time. In order to feel good doing this I will spend 10-15 minutes warming up with dips, pull ups, sit-ups, pushups, and jumping rope (our three oldest kids each got a jump rope free from a booth at a children’s health expo last week, so I will borrow one).
• Once I get up to 50 circles in a row, I’ll take the top off the mushroom, put it on the floor, and do circles on it there
• Once I get up to 75 circles I’ll post a video of it on YouTube
• A few times a month I will swing on the steel parallel bars at the park nearby - I like to swing, it’s a little bit like flying:)
• At some point I’ll either make or buy a set of parallettes I can use for presses, handstand push-ups, and playing with my kids
• I’m also going to finish raking the leaves before next year, once I get a new rake - the rake I had broke in half while I was trying to rake wet leaves

I’ve also done some research recently about good foods to eat for developing muscle tone and stamina according to Ayurveda and Chinese medicine (we have dozens of books on these subjects that Candice studied from during her apprenticeship to become a medical herbalist), but I’ll save that for another post.

Update Aug 15, 2009:

• I didn’t quite get on the mushroom once a week, but I did get up to 50 and put the top on the floor (see my related post about that).
• We’ve moved twice so far this year, including once across the country, so our life routines have changed several times.  I don’t live near a park with metal “parallel bars” anymore, but we do live in a house with a pool now.
• I did finally finish raking the wet leaves (it may have been February by then), after breaking two rakes.
• My latest good feeling exercise is swimming back and forth across the pool with my 4 year old daughter hanging on my neck while being chased by my 7 year old son.

Yesterday I woke up in the morning and spent a few moments thinking about things I appreciate. My thoughts naturally moved to the hawks living in the treetops of our neighborhood, because I’d been wanting to get some good pictures of them to share ever since Candice caught them stretched out in the sun a week ago (once I came outside they were gone). So I was feeling good and imagining what they must look like in the morning when they open their wings to feel the sun, and I was remembering the times I had seen dozens of them flying over our house.

A few hours later, after helping get a few groceries inside from the car, I looked up and saw this:

Luckily they posed for me long enough to get a picture:) After they were done stretching, they took off, and I got another good picture of them below:

I love watching the birds. If you’d like to attract some more beautiful birds into your yard you can try using some Wild Bird Food Recipes.

I am very excited to share this story, because it’s the kind of story I want to have everyday. Yesterday I decided in the morning to look for things that felt good (to pay attention to and think about) and only do things that felt good to do. And here is how it went:

In the morning Candice took the older boys to kindergarten and stayed to volunteer in Demitri’s class as she does every Thursday.  So I got to spend a couple hours with Eden and the babies (I guess they are toddlers now but we still call them babies) after sending off the older boys with Candice.  Eden wanted me to read her several books after breakfast, so I read to her while she sat on my lap with one hand while feeding the circling babies with the other (they are like birds, they take a bite and swallow it while walking around in a circle, then start again).  They finished the pot of oatmeal mush I made for breakfast after I read about 3 books to Eden, so then we all went to the basement.

I wasn’t inspired to work right away when we got to the basement (where my computer is), but I did read a few articles about google adsense (something I’ve thought about adding to this blog for awhile now).  I was pleasantly surprised to find that my old account I created over a year ago was still active so after reading a few success stories I created a medium rectangle of ads to put at the bottom of each single post.

Then the babies began crying so I got them an open bag of sunchips from the day before and they were happy again:)  I told Eden to hold it and share with them, but after she was done Nickalus grabbed the bag and joyfully tore it all the way open to get the crumbs.

After Candice got home at 10am I had a snack and decided to start working.  I had a page full of random notes from the long discussion I had with a client on Monday about his project but it felt better to focus on performance of the application, since that was what I think mattered most at that point.  There were a few web pages that were taking way too long to load because of the large data sets that were being queried.  So I took one page at a time and added timing functions around each database query in the code and was very surprised at what I discovered.  I learned that it was taking over 7 seconds to populate a single drop down with about 20 different values, for example.  I had fun with it, like playing with a crossword puzzle or rubiks cube.

A few hours later the page that took half a minute to load before took 2-3 seconds and another page that never fully loaded before (it always timed out because the script took longer than a minute to run) was being fully loaded in under 5 seconds.  Just when I was wrapping up my client called and I was able to share with him the progress I made.  He had experienced the slow pages and was excited to hear the good news - “How did you do it?” he said, like I had performed a miracle.

So that was how I created a day full of good feeling experiences yesterday, by consciously looking for things that felt good to think about and do.  I think I’ll try it again!

Have you ever been enjoying a beautiful day and all of a sudden you observe something that elicits strong negative emotions from you?  How do you keep feeling good?  Yesterday I was in that situation, watching the kids playing outside when an argument broke out between neighbors.  It didn’t feel good to observe so I made a point not to get involved in the verbal argument.  However I was still focused on it and some strong negative emotions were brought up. 

One thing I did to help me feel better was to consider how it was a demonstration of the law of attraction (”what goes around, comes around” or “you reap what you sow”) - one person was angry and yelled at some kids, then the parents of those kids all came out and yelled at that person - so the angry one attracted more anger into his life (very quickly, I might add). 

This morning while discussing it with Candice, she helped me to forgive the people I observed arguing and set them free as I forgave myself and set myself free from their influence.  I have learned that it takes some effort to get out of a “victim” mindset and take control of my own feelings.  We learned this process from the Life Visioning audio program (see link to the right).