This week I found the best video I have seen in a long time. It is a beautiful illustration of the power of empathy to change the world, one relationship at a time. The movie is called validation and is a bit of a play on words - the setting points to free parking validation but the main character validates people using empathy and compliments to help them smile. I enjoyed it very much, it is very uplifting for anyone that likes to be encouraged (I don’t know anyone who doesn’t!).

I was inspired by the movie and attracted two different experiences that same day which emphasized the miraculous emotional healing that empathy can provide in relationships.

My wife Candice had been outside in the heat (yes heat, this is Phoenix in Nov) with one of our kids at a field trip with 47 1st-3rd graders that day (during her moon cycle), so she was a bit out of sorts. All the kids seemed to be asking her for things at once while she was getting dinner ready and she was trying to tell me about her frustrating day.

I really didn’t want to hear about it, but I made a conscious decision to show empathy by repeating what she had said in my own words - “You’ve been through a lot today and you just want a break, with some peace and quiet.”

Candice instantly lit up and gave me a big hug, then she didn’t say anything more about it - I was amazed!

Later while eating dinner Nickalus (who is 2) came to me crying:

“Bupaheay!
Bubahed!!
Bupaheyad!!!”

Finally I got the idea - “Oh, did you bump your head?”
“Yeaaah…” (as he nodded emphatically).
“That’s a bummer.” I replied, at which point he promptly calmed down and walked away.

It was as if I waved a magic wand and mended broken hearts with my words! Incredible!

I found an interesting book yesterday which uses empathy as part of the initial steps in the advice given to help people get their ex back. If you watch the first video on the page describing the Magic of Making Up, you’ll see how empathy is used in that situation - though it goes a bit further in agreeing with the other side of an argument, but the essence of showing an understanding of their position is really empathy at work - like magic.

We had a birthday party for our youngest child yesterday and something happened which reinforced the middle name we gave him.  Candice had bought a birthday cake that morning and I put it on the counter by the stove pushed against the back wall in a corner of the kitchen.  About an hour later, while I was outside cleaning up the yard, Candice came out of the house holding Hani out by his arms while he wiggled like the whirling dervish that he is, and said:

“This is why you don’t put cake on the counter!”

While Candice was on the phone, Hani had come to her holding the cake upside down (luckily it was in a plastic container he couldn’t open) and shaking it, saying “Cake!  Cake!” - apparently he had moved a chair from the table across the room to the counter right where the cake was in the back corner, then just climbed up and retrieved his prize.

Hani’s middle name is Fungasa, which means “liberate yourself”.  I took his picture (above) a few days ago while he was practicing his Harley style of freedom.

You can get help finding your own freedom here.

First let me provide some context for this story. As you can see below, we have a collection of messy eaters. We leave food on the table after meals because the kids may return to finish it later. In this picture I found Hani cleaning up after everyone’s breakfast (he was hungry that day). There’s a tablecloth on in this picture but Nickalus used to use tablecloths to pull everyone’s bowl to him (the ones that didn’t fall off the table on the way) before he learned to get out of his seat, so we stopped using tablecloths except for special occasions.

As you can imagine the table gets layers of encrusted food (sort of like stalagmites) that get thicker over time and become very difficult to clean. One day when Candice was talking with a preschool teacher, she learned about a good way to clean up tables with shaving cream.

I even saw Demitri’s kindergarten teacher using shaving cream on a table with the students so they could write letters in it at the parents night last fall. So we decided we would make a game of it and have all the kids clean the table one Sunday morning before breakfast. We put all the kids at the table and squirted a bunch of shaving cream on it and told them to play in it. They thoroughly enjoyed themselves and I got a few good pictures.

Nickalus got some on his face and decided to try and lick it off - luckily his tongue is not long enough to reach. He must have gotten into some leftover pizza before breakfast that day, which explains the red sauce all over his face.

Then Demitri had the great idea to wash his hair with the shaving cream - which is fine since then we didn’t need to use shampoo later

Then Nickalus wanted to be like Demitri - or was it Nickalus who started it? I can’t remember. But Nickalus’ hair is so fine that he didn’t need any water to make suds.

Finally, after about half an hour of “cleaning” the table and subsequent baths in the sink for at least a couple of the kids (the ones with shaving cream in their hair also got their hair washed), we wiped up the table and it was so clean you could see your reflection in it!

With five small children in the house, we have learned many ways of soothing our children.  One day this week Candice got Nickalus out of bed after a nap and he was screaming and crying uncontrollably.  He wouldn’t let go of his blanket, so she pulled him out, blanket and all.  He wouldn’t take a pacifier or bottle of water, so when she brought him downstairs she stuck a chicken nugget in his mouth.

One thing we have learned about Nickalus is that he finds comfort in food, but Candice was still amazed that he stopped crying so fast.  He immediately stopped wailing and sucked on the chicken nugget like it was a pacifier, while still clutching his blanket.  He must have sucked on it for 10 minutes before eating it, plenty of time for me to take this picture:

This is meant as a humorous post, but if your child is soothed by food you might try something similar - just make sure you only give chicken nuggets to babies with teeth, Nickalus has 16 teeth now (he’s 19 months old).

We also use many types of wraps and baby carriers to soothe our babies (it’s like holding them but it’s not as tiring and you can have your hands free), like an ergo, a becko, a maytie, a moby wrap, a homemade sling, a maya wrap, rebozo, and a few more that I don’t remember the names of (we have a large collection). Mamatoto is a good resource if you want to learn about carrying babies - with two babies around I usually carry one on my back just to keep them out of trouble!

Hello again,

After a several month hiatus I’ve been inspired to add to this blog again.  I will start by introducing my easy button.  I’m including a picture of it below for those in other countries who aren’t familiar with Staples or their USA based advertising themes.  I mentioned it to a client of mine in the U.K. and although they have staples there he hadn’t heard of it.

When you push the button there is a recording that says “That was easy!” - I have it on my desk and push it whenever I figure out a solution to something or get done with a task I set for myself.  It helps me to feel confident that I can do anything, because everything is easy once I figure it out:)

Candice has one in the kitchen, and I tell Kayin (our 6 yr old) to take mine with him whenever he complains that he can’t do something - like when he says he can’t get to the next level in a video game.

If you go to staples.com and search for easy button you can get one yourself if you want - they even have one in spanish now.

Today we had to drop off packages at the GoodWill. Little did Robert know, but I had secretly decided to take him to get his hair cut. This was no ordinary hair cut. No, this was the “last time I saw the barber was 15 years ago” hair cut. Through the years, Robert managed to cut his own hair and trim his own beard (when he grew one) with fair success. But his hair had become a little long and unruly over the past six months.

Here is a before picture. So as you can see, I HAD to do something. When we got loaded in the car, I said to him,”Honey, you are going to have to bite the bullet and get your hair cut.” Robert then squirms in his chair like our 4 year old does when he has to go potty. “I don’t need to go get my hair cut. I can do it my self!” He whines (again, like our 4 year old). So I give him the puppy-dog eyes and the “Won’t you do it for me???” speech. Yeah, THAT one. The one I am secretly teaching our daughter to do.
He agrees to go to a barber, not a salon. “Salon’s are for girls.” he adds. So we pass salon, after salon, after salon and finally spot a place called Sports Cutters. We park, Robert goes in with our daughter Eden while I stay in the car with 2 sleeping babies. Ten minutes later, he comes back–all hairy still (see picture above). I said, with an annoyed tone “What’s the problem!” He then preceded to say something about how it was too much like a salon, there was only one woman cutting hair, CNN was too loud on the TV…ya’da, ya’da, ya’da…So I put my book on meditation down, threw a hissy-fit (like my 6 year old) and yell “You’re acting like a baby! The place is called Sports Cutters. It can’t be a salon. FINE! Lets just go some where else.”

A couple of miles of silence later, we pull into a strip mall hoping to get a bite to eat at a chinese buffet. Low and behold right next door to the restaurant is John’s Barber Shop. We all travel in this time and take a seat along a row of uncomfortable, deli-style chairs. A nice looking woman, with a waist about the size of my right thigh, motioned for Robert to come up and sit in the stylist chair. She said, “What would you like done?” “Everything!” I shouted. “Please, just clean him up some.”

Well to keep a not so long story even shorter…30 minutes and $25 dollars later, he was finished! I don’t remember the last time I saw my husband’s ears. Or have seen him so well groomed. Maybe on our wedding day almost 8 years ago. Needless to say, I am very happy now that I can see the face of my very handsome and dashing young husband. I took a picture because I know that it will probably be another 15 years before I get him back to a salon…I mean a barber!

I just have to share something that made me laugh this morning. It was after breakfast, about 45 minutes before we were going to leave for a family birthday party to celebrate birthdays for four people. I had just finished picking up the toys, trash, and clothes from the floor downstairs while my wife Candice was doing dishes. I had turned off the sprinklers a few days ago so the grass would be dry enough to mow (it started getting long since Candice turned the sprinklers back on a few weeks ago and they were running on the default setting of 20 minutes every day). So I said to my wife (after putting away the “picker” I was using to pick up toys from the floor) “I’m going to mow the lawn now.” She instantly turned around with a panic look on her face, saying “No! God, No! Please don’t mow the lawn now, not today, PLEASE!” She went on to explain that I would have to take a shower afterwards and we still had things to get ready, … but I could not contain myself - “Haha! I wish I had a recorder now, I would replay that all the time! Can you write that down?”

This is going to be a good day:)